Have Sex On The Laundry

You know the eerie feeling of knowing you forgot something? It’s the worst. Usually it’s unnecessary – but sometimes you realize that you DID, in fact, forget something massively important.

This was the terrible realization that I had yesterday after sending my lover off to China for a few weeks. I had that sinking feeling that we forgot something. Oh yeah – we forgot to have awesome sex.

I even remember the moment that we kind of started. And then the *ding* of the dryer reminded us that there was still laundry to do, dinner to make, final tweaks to presentations and travel logistics to be made.

Distractions are the nemesis of good relationships.

I don’t need to tell you about the constant stream of distractions trying to pull you away from what you’re trying to accomplish. Texts, facebook reminders, chores, family responsibilities and if you’re lucky – a social life. These things pile up on a to-do list that is constantly running in your head.

We get lost in reacting to our immediate needs while the things that are most important to us, like our relationships, education, moving our career forward and even SEX are pushed down the list for “later”, whenever that is…

Sex is at a natural disadvantage. Logistically, it’s positioned at the tail end of our day. In an ideal world it would fit perfectly in the space between an episode of The Daily Show and sleep. Most people don’t question when sex happens. After the kids go to bed, or after we are done working and eating and brushing our teeth. We turn off the lights and start the seduction (or negotiation) of sex. We assume we’ll get to sex after everything else is done.

When was the last time you got everything done?

Sex is the most important part of a relationship, yet we wait until we’re completely exhausted to start.

We often blame the plague of “low sex drive” or being too busy for our fading sexual desires. We hope to magically find ourselves “in the mood” before initiating sex. And then we wonder why we haven’t banged in a month. Guess what – the “mood” is a myth.

I honestly think for most couples it’s not a “mood” problem. It’s a logistical problem. Which is great news! Because although you cannot necessarily control your mood, you can control the basic logistics of your day-to-day life. And if you don’t think you can – you need a coach.

After a long and fun talk via skype, my bf and I came to some pretty simple conclusions about how to rearrange our schedules to avoid distractions and prioritize our sex.

First up:

Make Love on the Laundry

Laundry is less important than sex. And I love doing laundry. But it’s a distraction – and a compounding one. It may start with just moving the laundry from the bed to the washer. That quickly spirals into locating the new detergent and separating the whites from the darks and making sure to turn your jeans inside out. Before you know it, you’ve moved on to something else and the moment has passed. Relax. You’re going to get the laundry done. While you’ve got each other in the same place at the same time, throw the laundry on the floor and go at it. Or better yet – just do it on the laundry.

Sex First.

We often wait until dark to make love. Change it up. For couples without kids – instead of waiting until after dinner, have sex as soon as you both get home from work. It will completely shift your body and mind into relax mode. You’ll probably become more productive at work and learn to separate the two things. (yes! work and play are different – even if you love your job). If you’ve got kids. Have sex in the am. Or create a few hours in the week where you’re home alone in the early evenings or afternoon. Mmmmm… afternoon sex…

Have sex when you don’t want to

Woah, before you lecture me on consent, let me ‘splain. In committed and loving (or liking) relationships you have to do things you don’t want to. You have to hang out with your partner’s weird friends. You have to go to movies that you think are stupid. You have to do whatever. Suck it up. You also have to have sex sometimes when you aren’t feeling “in the mood”. Here’s the beautiful thing about “the mood” – it usually kicks in right after foreplay. So start sex and if you’re really not feeling it – you can always tap out if it really isn’t working. More likely – you’ll feel pretty good and de-stressed and finish strong.

Sex comes before “the mood”.

Ask better questions – curiosity before blame

Since lack of sex is a logistical issue, there isn’t one person to blame. Except maybe Siri, who is an iCal slavedriver. Couples who are quick to blame their partner for lack of libido, or bad habits or busy schedules are never able to really connect. They build walls that make sex unappealing. The blame is the “mood” killer, not the busy schedule. It’s a vicious cycle and one that drives many couples to divorce. Resentment and open sensual connection cannot co-exist. Instead of blaming each other, ask better questions. What can we change to create more space for sex. What is distracting us? Are we sexually compatible?

Those are important questions to ask.

Don’t schedule sex- schedule seduction

The worst advice I’ve ever heard is “schedule sex”. Ughhhh… gross. If it’s possible to suck the sensuality out of me – that phrase does it. I do think that schedules are important though! For example, scheduling alone time is a priority for every couple. As a busy couple – we rely on our schedule to provide the framework for great connection and sex. I’m so busy and hyper-focused as a writer, I often get lost in my day and forget to connect with friends and my lover. So scheduling seduction has become my priority. Especially if I’m crazy busy. I set reminders to send a sexy text or pick something romantic up from the store, or get home early to cook something amazing for dinner. These are the things that I know creates connection. We schedule the things that make sex an absolute must.

Instead of scheduling time for sex – schedule time for things that turn you on.